The Other Side

August and September carried us to the other side of our very first season. I wouldn’t say I reached the end completely whole, but I am full of relief, and in awe that we made it happen.

Those two months brought a kind of duality, and I only had room to see one side at a time. The short of it: I was making it happen, and I was failing. By late August, holding both as true at once was more than I could manage.

I felt like a channel. The rain, the pest pressure, the crop loss, the work, the beauty, all of it passed straight through me before I could process any of it. I worked myself to the bone and just wanted to reach the end of the season.

Wanting to rush through my last weeks of Little Bend came with guilt, and the guilt kept the other side of all this chaos out of view.

Until recently, I was convinced I knew nothing about flower farming. Problem solving and narrowly getting by had worn me thin enough to believe the worst possible ‘truth.’ So, after my working hours one evening, I went for a field walk.

I got distracted by some weeds that needed pulling and bent down in frustration. When I came up for a breath, I looked around and saw butterflies flitting everywhere. Dozens of them, making a home in the flowers I grew.

In that moment, not knowing and trying anyway made room for each other.

I sowed thousands of seeds, planted them in a field I tended, harvested every flower I could share, connected with others, and helped build a habitat that gave wild beauty a place to land. I couldn’t tell myself otherwise. I was looking right at it.

What I witnessed, cared for, and lost sleep over, every weeded bed and every bouquet out the door, is my best effort to commune with life. The field is a reflection of doing good with what I have and letting the unexpected teach me where I can grow. Trusting the little I do understand made way for so many chances to see just what I’m made of.

Burnout made me mistrust what I had accomplished. I couldn’t let the bounty of it catch my attention until the worst thought came along: maybe I had no business doing this at all.

But I do. I have never worked harder for something I truly believe in, and that alone brings me back to why all these big feelings and hurdles are worth it.

We did it! And that is enough.

Thank you, thank you for being here to help us see our first season through! We couldn’t be more humbled by the support we received from friends old and new.

I’m ready to exhale and take on some exciting fall prep for next season, so stick with us.